My daughter is my soulmate. She drives me clinically insane, but she is my everything. This is honestly how I feel. I love my husband beyond words, but the love I have for my daughter at just 20 months old surpasses any love that I think could be possible.
And now here, 3 weeks old, is daughter number two. I look at her quirky newborn cross eyed-ness and giggle. She’s cute. Her eyes are already sparkling blue like my husband’s. She also is a wonderful sleeper, which certainly makes her easier to love. Latched right away. Cute little birthmark on her eyebrow.
But then why, when I look at her, do I feel nothing compared to when I look at my first born? Where is this instantaneous love everyone talks about?
It’s not here, that’s for sure. And now I’m calling bullshit on every mom blogger, magazine article and Baby Center post that says you instantly fall in love with your baby. Your screaming, puking, gross-ass umbilical-cord having baby.
No, I don’t have postpartum depression. I feel extremely happy and blessed. I love being a mother. So I scrolled down my past Instagram posts and I revisited the time of Penelope, my oldest, being a newborn. I tried to think back to how I felt back then. And I realized that when I think about her as an infant, I think about how much I love her NOW. But back then, I think I was simply infatuated with my first born and with becoming a mother. It wasn’t love at first sight, but more of lust. With my second daughter, Fiona, there is nothing lustful about her mustard yellow seedy poops. I am just abiding by my biological instincts to nurse her and care for her. She’s beautiful in so many ways and I can not wait to grow to love her. But no. I don’t have an undying love for her right now.
So I want to reach out to all second, third and so on time moms. If you feel this way, you’re not horrible. You’re not alone. You’re not sick. You’re a human being who doesn’t have magical powers to create love out of thin air for something that just gave you heartburn and made you fat for 9 months.
I hold my oldest daughters head and kiss her endlessly and think to myself, “Wow. Can I love another human this much again?” And the answer is yes. I don’t know it first hand yet, but I know the answer is yes. So stick it out mom and know that you’re not alone.
Gina is a stay at home mom of two girls in Long Island, New York. Besides raising her daughters, Gina loves working in the kitchen and dreams to one day open a vegan restaurant. She can be found on Instagram.