Recently, after a really intense heart-to-heart with my mom, she sent me a message saying that I needed to take back the power and she is right; it is time. Time to unpack my demons that I shut away years and years ago. Time to dive face first into the pile of baggage that I have continued to carry for almost thirty years now. I would be lying if I said it doesn’t scare me – it makes me utterly and truly afraid.
But you know what I have recently started to realize? Part of the baggage is the guilt that I have for having baggage in the first place. But why?
I didn’t choose those things. Some of my fundamental issues are all things that occurred to me as a baby and young child.
How are those things my fault? They aren’t.
I didn’t choose the cards that I was dealt. I didn’t choose my circumstances or my surroundings. It’s not my job to feel guilty for the things that occurred to me or around me before I was old enough to even have a choice. I’m not going to go into detail about what my baggage entails – this is not the time or the place, but I can assure you, it’s not pretty. These are things that, despite my attempts to sweep under the rug, still seem to have an impact on my daily life as well as my decision making. What sort of responsible adult would I be if I didn’t try and face them head-on, even after all this time? Isn’t the whole point of life to move on and move forward? I have reached the end of my chains – I can no longer move forward without letting go of what is holding me back. My past has made me vulnerable. It has shaped the way that I enter and leave relationships, how I view the world, the standards that I hold myself too, and even how I view my self-worth.
In my journey to get things out in the open and confront my past, I have found a lot of inspiration and motivation, like this:
“It’s not the weight that drags you down, it’s the way you carry it.”
Think about it. I can’t change the cards that life dealt me, but I can choose how I play them, or if I play them at all. I don’t have to have trust issues just because my trust has been violated. I don’t have to turn towards drugs and alcohol because I was exposed to it as an infant. As an individual, I have the capability to end the cycle of violence and abuse. (So much for not sharing details..…) What good does it do me to dwell on the things in my past? Why let my first four years shape the next twenty? I can’t change my past, but I alone can shape my future. The guture I envision for myself has no place for all of this negativity that I have carried around for so long. It is time – time to unpack the skeletons in my closet.