My husband and I recently found out we were expecting twin daughters, which really amped up our girl count from 1 to 3 quickly. Because that’s how math works, much to people’s dismay. We can say with almost great certainty that this will be my final pregnancy. Unless I, I don’t know, lose my mind. Now I know that the number of babies you are carrying is in fact directly correlated to the amount of idiotic commentary you’re going to receive.
People love to say questionable things to you when you’re pregnant. Pregnancy gives people an all access pass to commentate on your appearance, behavior, and family structure. Tact and decency are curbed and replaced with unfiltered trash.
Here’s a list of 5 things a pregnant woman doesn’t appreciate hearing:
- You’ve gotta try for that boy (girl)!
When all of your children are the same gender your Uterus is not retired. You will be met with equal parts horror and pity; brace yourselves for lots of “oh your poor husband” quips and bad jokes about estrogen. I’m actually thrilled to be having all girls. I can officially use the hashtag #girlmom, I don’t have to worry about whether or not circumcision is akin to genital mutilation, and my husband will be the only one peeing on our floor (usually).
There’s trade offs for sure: like those pesky rape statistics that keep me up at night and the doom of adolescence that hangs in the not far enough away future. But I am happy to have the family I do, so before you go and decide that my future holds another pregnancy, and an uncertain roll of the dice will make my life what you want it to be, say congrats and stop talking.
- Any variant of you’re going to be exhausted/busy/miserable.
Thank you for that stunning insight. One infant was a total piece of cake so without your groundbreaking assessment I never would have guessed that having two infants and a toddler might be a challenge. And now that you’ve floored me with this information, are you going to follow up with any tips? Because 1) No, you’re not. You just want to tell me how rough my life is going to be. And 2) your tips would likely be as innovative as your future predicting skills, so thanks Sister Cleo, save your advice and psychic abilities for someone who cares. (No one. No one cares.)
- You’re definitely done now.
You know, we probably are. But mind your own body. And family. Are you raising my kids? What business is it of yours if I want none or 7. I will go full Michelle Duggar just to piss you off. Someone (who I like) said to me, “3 is MORE than enough children.” It’s a good thing you aren’t having them then, now isn’t it?
- Your stomach is so a big already!
Well, that’s how this works… this isn’t a juice cleanse.
Also common: “I wasn’t that big until I was 9 months pregnant!” This isn’t my first rodeo. I used to have a 6 pack too Tiffany. But that’s on hold until I get these TWO babies out of my uterus. Tell me again how you managed to stay SO trim for SO late in your pregnancy. Really I’m dying to know… and then immediately talk shit about you to every mutual acquaintance we have because you’re being an insensitive twat. K, love you, bye.
- You’re not going to eat that are you?
Ah yes, the food and drink police. These people fall into one of a few camps: a) have never been pregnant b) haven’t been pregnant in 15 years c) are generally very annoying individuals with poor self awareness.
Did I just take a drag off a Newport? A long pull of Wild Turkey? You’re acting like I poured bleach into my womb. I’m not interested in taking dietary advice from… anyone. Sometimes I’ll be more reasonable and let my doctor weigh in, but you are not them, so you have no voice at this roundtable.
Many women spend the majority of 3 months throwing up regularly and having aversions to foods they had previously loved. So let me tell you something, I’m going to eat anything that I can keep down. Sometimes that includes *gasp* soft cheeses and turkey. Sometimes it is straight up junk. If you’re of the opinion that I should be drinking green smoothies and quizzing me about my caffeine intake I am liable to choke you. It’s 2018, I have 3 pregnancy apps on my phone and a doctorate from Google, I know what I’m doing.
This is an approved list of things you’re allowed to say to a pregnant woman:
End of list.
Scarlett Longstreet is a stay at home-ish mom, bartender, and wife. She lives in a suburb of Detroit with her husband and daughter. You can follow her on Instagram.