ParenthoodScarlett

5 Things Not to Say to a Pregnant Woman

19 Jan 2018

5 things not to say to a pregnant woman

My husband and I recently found out we were expecting twin daughters, which really amped up our girl count from 1 to 3 quickly. Because that’s how math works, much to people’s dismay. We can say with almost great certainty that this will be my final pregnancy. Unless I, I don’t know, lose my mind. Now I know that the number of babies you are carrying is in fact directly correlated to the amount of idiotic commentary you’re going to receive.

 

People love to say questionable things to you when you’re pregnant. Pregnancy gives people an all access pass to commentate on your appearance, behavior, and family structure. Tact and decency are curbed and replaced with unfiltered trash.

 

Here’s a list of 5 things a pregnant woman doesn’t appreciate hearing:

 

  1. You’ve gotta try for that boy (girl)!

 

When all of your children are the same gender your Uterus is not retired. You will be met with equal parts horror and pity; brace yourselves for lots of “oh your poor husband” quips and bad jokes about estrogen. I’m actually thrilled to be having all girls. I can officially use the hashtag #girlmom, I don’t have to worry about whether or not circumcision is akin to genital mutilation, and my husband will be the only one peeing on our floor (usually).

 

There’s trade offs for sure: like those pesky rape statistics that keep me up at night and the doom of adolescence that hangs in the not far enough away future. But I am happy to have the family I do, so before you go and decide that my future holds another pregnancy, and an uncertain roll of the dice will make my life what you want it to be, say congrats and stop talking.

 

  1. Any variant of you’re going to be exhausted/busy/miserable.

 

Thank you for that stunning insight. One infant was a total piece of cake so without your groundbreaking assessment I never would have guessed that having two infants and a toddler might be a challenge. And now that you’ve floored me with this information, are you going to follow up with any tips? Because 1) No, you’re not. You just want to tell me how rough my life is going to be. And 2) your tips would likely be as innovative as your future predicting skills, so thanks Sister Cleo, save your advice and psychic abilities for someone who cares. (No one. No one cares.)

 

  1. You’re definitely done now.

 

You know, we probably are. But mind your own body. And family. Are you raising my kids? What business is it of yours if I want none or 7. I will go full Michelle Duggar just to piss you off. Someone (who I like) said to me, “3 is MORE than enough children.” It’s a good thing you aren’t having them then, now isn’t it?

 

  1. Your stomach is so a big already!

 

Well, that’s how this works… this isn’t a juice cleanse.

 

Also common: “I wasn’t that big until I was 9 months pregnant!” This isn’t my first rodeo. I used to have a 6 pack too Tiffany. But that’s on hold until I get these TWO babies out of my uterus. Tell me again how you managed to stay SO trim for SO late in your pregnancy. Really I’m dying to know… and then immediately talk shit about you to every mutual acquaintance we have because you’re being an insensitive twat. K, love you, bye.

 

  1. You’re not going to eat that are you?

 

Ah yes, the food and drink police. These people fall into one of a few camps: a) have never been pregnant b) haven’t been pregnant in 15 years c) are generally very annoying individuals with poor self awareness.

 

Did I just take a drag off a Newport? A long pull of Wild Turkey? You’re acting like I poured bleach into my womb. I’m not interested in taking dietary advice from… anyone. Sometimes I’ll be more reasonable and let my doctor weigh in, but you are not them, so you have no voice at this roundtable.

 

Many women spend the majority of 3 months throwing up regularly and having aversions to foods they had previously loved. So let me tell you something, I’m going to eat anything that I can keep down. Sometimes that includes *gasp* soft cheeses and turkey. Sometimes it is straight up junk. If you’re of the opinion that I should be drinking green smoothies and quizzing me about my caffeine intake I am liable to choke you. It’s 2018, I have 3 pregnancy apps on my phone and a doctorate from Google, I know what I’m doing.

 

This is an approved list of things you’re allowed to say to a pregnant woman:

 

  1. Congratulations!

 

End of list.

 

Scarlett Longstreet is a stay at home-ish mom, bartender, and wife. She lives in a suburb of Detroit with her husband and daughter. You can follow her on Instagram.

 

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54 Responses

    1. Scarlett Longstreet
      Reply

      I think family planning and reproduction is an incredibly sensitive/personal subject for most woman and should be approached with great tact. With that being said, I recognize that most people really do mean well and don’t realize that sometimes “just making conversation” can have bigger implications and open up more sensitive topics than they intended.

  12. Darlene Nicole Gillett
    Reply

    This.
    I have a 3 week old and I was soooo sick of the comments! Everyone kept trying to give my husband and me advice. Thank you, but after the millionth person, I’m pretty sure we expect to be tired.
    Congratulations on twin girls! How fun & exciting.

  13. Niki Veldman
    Reply

    I LOVE this! Third trimester I lived on the jumbo bags of 7-11 gummy bears (by far the best ever), cold meat sandwhiches, sushi, and more gummy bears. And to the old men at the Gym who always commented “wow, you are STILL pregnant?”, I held back my snipe of “wow, you are STILL alive?

    1. Scarlett
      Reply

      Still alive hahaha! Yes I shamelessly smash Sushi too. I wish people would spend more time reading about why the recommendations are what they are and that the risk isn’t because you’re pregnant, it’s because you’re consuming raw food. So many people follow things blindly without actually knowing the reasoning behind it.

  17. Sarah Ruff
    Reply

    My favorite line when i was pregnant with Everly was “Wow your stomach is so big!” Yeah that usually happens when you’re 9 months pregnant and carrying a 10 pound baby.

    By the way, congratulations!

  19. Kim Fohey
    Reply

    I have a boy and a girl (which you’ve obviously noticed by my fb and IG posts), they are 14 months apart…..”Oh, did you plan for them to be that close”, “Aw, you have the perfect family now, 1 boy and 1 girl – don’t have anymore”, and when I was pregnant with my daughter, every fucking day at work, “Are you sure there’s only 1 baby in there?!” The ridiculous shit that people think they can say to a pregnant woman really blows my mind. And (at least in my experience), most of it comes from OTHER WOMEN. People.
    Aaaaanyway, congrats to you and Alan!! xo

  20. Angela Smith
    Reply

    Congratulations! We are expecting our first and the amount of unwanted and outdated advice is rampant. I knew it would be bad, but it’s insane. My new go-to is “Oh, thanks for being my obgyn today!”. I’m preggo and hormonal and not afraid to tell you what I think.

  22. Gina Henry Prater
    Reply

    i have 2 sons 10 yrs apart my husband & i didnt plan it that way after our first son was born we tried for another baby but nothing happened so when i found out i was pregnant again it was a suprise & i was sick my whole pregnancy with my first son so when i threw up all day every day for 9 months with my second son i knew i never wanted to get pregnant again…im pretty sure im allergic to being pregnant lol so i got my tubes tied & i heard so much crap about how i needed a girl i was to young to do that blahh blahhh blahhh…i had a son at 22 and one at 32 i for sure knew i was done with babies…im still with my 7th grade crush we have a 20 yr old son & a 10 yr old son and guess what we are happy we dont need no girl!! Everybody has opinions my only opinion that matters is yours!!

  28. Nicole Mattson
    Reply

    That was hilarious, whether or not I’m reading at 5 am. I may or may not have ever said these things to a PG woman…I will try to keep it in line! But, in the meantime, I really can’t WAIT to hold them! Can I be an honorary Meema?? ❤️ One of my serious joys in life.

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