We have all heard the expression love is blind. This is extremely true. If you really love someone, you do not always see them as they are now. My example I use is my husband. I see my husband as that handsome, fresh faced man with the bright smile that I started dating 15 years ago. I think my husband is one of the most handsome men I have ever met. But once in a great while, I take my “blinders” off and I see that my husband is still that very handsome man, with wrinkles and some gray hair.
When I get up every morning and look in the mirror I see a good looking woman. I am not lying one bit. The joke is that no one loves Lynn more than Lynn, which I think is true. But then, I see a picture of myself or I catch myself in a bad light and I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. When the hell did I turn into the marshmallow man off of Ghostbusters? Oh my God I think I have a large hump on my back, when did I develop a hump?!?
If you have ever met me or seen a picture of me you know I am not thin. I haven’t been thin in years. Now, society makes a huge issue out of being thin. It’s all taboo. I can’t say I’m fat because I might offend someone. I have actually been told this. My response was, “Offending to someone, I should be offensive to others, I am offended myself when I’m naked, its offensive!”
As a society we flop between loving our body as it is and being healthy and thin. I go into Maurice’s and I’m a size 3. A 3! That is amazing, I can wear a 3, look at how hot I am. Wait a second, I’m not a 3, that’s the Maurice’s size so they don’t call bigger women what they are, which is big. If you tell me I’m a 3, I am going to think that it’s okay for me to eat that whole pizza because damn, I’m ONLY a 3. Shut up Maurice’s, I’m a 20, just admit it. Don’t put me on some ego boost about NOT having a hump on my back with your fake size. I still might eat that whole pizza though…
One of my biggest pet peeves is being fed a line of bullshit. I don’t like it, I don’t do it and it’s a waste of time and energy to even try. Don’t tell me my face is beautiful or I have a good personality to make up for my big ass. Just say hey, you have a big ass. Does it make me less attractive? I tend to believe it doesn’t. Does it make me want to wear tight clothes and prove I’m confident? Hell no, no one wants to see that. I’m on a journey that a lot of people are on and it’s a weight loss journey and I suck at it.
I am a very smart person. If weight was based off of brain power, I would be extremely fit. Because of this, my mind talks me into some great ideas about how to eat and not feel bad. I do everything in life at 110%. I give my all to everything, which makes me very successful at my career, but makes me horrible at eating, money, drinking, you name it.
Right now, I am doing Weight Watchers. Oprah says she can eat bread! That sounds amazing, I LOVE bread. Oh my God, Oprah got skinny off of BREAD?!? I hate to tell you this, but that bitch is lying because I can only have five Wheat Thins a day and I still gained a pound. But every day I start out with my mind ready to go and ready to eat healthy. It goes something like this.
6:00 a.m.: Yes, I am excited about today. Oh, look, is that one less lump on me? I bet I lost a few pounds, I look less lumpy. Wait, no, I think I gained a lump, whatever, I’m going to be thin soon and look hot and people are going to say, “That’s amazing Lynn, you were so pretty before, but now you are just gorgeous.”
8:00 a.m.: I got my banana and my hummus and I’m having a great breakfast. Oh, look, my boss brought doughnuts in for our meeting. I can’t NOT have one; I don’t want to be rude. That’s okay, one is fine and I’ll save my hummus.
11:00 a.m.: What the hell Lean Cuisine, that was NOT ravioli. That was THREE ravioli and that is called an appetizer. I need three of your “meals” to equal being close to full.
1:00 p.m.: Look at (insert name of thin girl) on Facebook. Quit posting selfies, we get it, you’re thin and I bet you ENJOY eating hummus and five Wheat Thins. That’s fine; I bet you have other issues, like you have ugly feet or a third nipple.
3:00 p.m.: Oh my God, all I was trying to do was check my teeth in my camera in my phone and I look horrible. Is this how I really look up close? No, no, it’s the way the camera is faced. Oh look, I can move the camera around and it looks way better. I wonder if I walked around all day with my face toward the sky, would my double chin be gone for good?
4:00 p.m.: I’ve only had water today, I’m so proud of myself. I can’t wait get home and make some chicken and a nice salad for dinner!
5:00 p.m.: (kids hollering and needing my full attention). I did really good today eating, I’m ordering a pizza and putting my comfy pants on so I won’t be so restricted. These kids are stressing me out.
Let’s face it, I didn’t do good eating, but my brilliant mind said I did so I must have. That pizza was good too. I often eat my feelings and I eat it in the form of cheesy pizza.
I still love myself, that’s not going to change. I still think I’m great. If that bothers you, that’s okay, it should probably bother me that I love myself so much. I actually am not as confident as everyone thinks I am, but unless you are my husband, you won’t see this. I am going to continue this slippery slope with my weight. Will I ever accomplish what I have set out to do? I honestly don’t know. This is a daily struggle for me, it’s on my mind a lot, I may be a big failure, I may be a big success, I may be both. Here’s what I know today, love is blind and when I look in the mirror, I love myself.
My name is Lynn. I reside in Southwest Michigan, with Scott, my husband of 14 years and our three daughters. I work in the Nuclear Power Industry as a Corrective Actions Analyst/Operating Experience Specialist. I’m a wife, mom, sister, daughter, aunt mashup of one person trying to do it all, see it all, accomplish it all while I continually fall on my face and get back up again. I get through life by finding the humor and something positive in everything and want to share it with others through my writing. Follow my journey on Facebook, and read my blog here: Functionally Dysfunctional.