My Husband and I Weren’t Having Sex

I’m ready to talk about sex. Everyone else is. It’s in songs, movies, books, commercials; there are no limits. We are biologically designed to find a mate and mate. My co-blogger Heather wrote once on the science behind it but we are gonna skip that.
We start yearning for physical interaction when our bodies start to change. Hormones are flowing and we suddenly care what people think about us. I don’t care what your beliefs are; before marriage, after marriage, that’s your business. I can only share from my personal experience and I hope yours is different than mine.
If you are new to our space on the interweb here we refer to as The Woman’s Locker Room, you may not know that sex and I go way back. We aren’t necessarily friends but we’ve had our good times. Now that I am married, everything has changed. As a teenager, I couldn’t wait to get married because I would be able to have sex with my husband whenever I wanted. I envisioned my nights spent drinking wine on luxurious fur rugs in front of a crackling fireplace wearing a lacy nighty. Ha. In reality our nights are spent cleaning up my kitchen messes followed by Netflix and a few minutes snuggling on the couch. Chris (that’s my husband) usually heads up to bed early because he is gone 12 hours a day and I stay up late to finish up my emails because I have three jobs. As we get busier, sex gets lower and lower on the totem poll.
Sound familiar?
On top of the hustle and bustle of our lives, I have another element that affects our intimacy; I have a history of sexual abuse. It first happened over 20 years ago and then another case 12 years ago. That may seem like ages ago but those who know what I am talking about will vouch for me. Overcoming these hurtles takes time, and wounds like these don’t just heal.
There are times when I don’t want to be touched. I would wince when my husband made even the most innocent move toward me. Sometimes these spurts would last a few days but they used to last a few weeks. I know how blessed I am that my husband is so understanding, but he is the one getting punished for the bad things other men did. How is that fair?
After confiding in some of my married friends, I see that I am not alone in this. A lot of married couples are struggling with their sex life and I want to shed some light on how someone so broken can find time for an act that seems so unbearable.
Right after we got married, I went through one of my personal rough times; I didn’t want to be touched. Newlyweds are supposed to be… well, like newlyweds! It got so bad that we hardly said three words to each other and Chris had enough. He did something that possibly saved our marriage and I will never forget his words. One night, he left the bedroom and sat down at his computer. He wrote me a letter that changed my entire perspective on our intimacy.
You see, sex has always been a tool for me. You can use it to get things from people, hurt people, and manipulate people. That’s what sex was for me and that’s how it was used against me; even at 8 years old. I had no idea that it could be anything different until my husband shared what making love was from his perspective.
I am not going to share what he said because that’s very special to me and it was meant for my eyes only. The important message however, needs to be shared with everyone. My husband explained that sex is far more than a task. Here I was, just thinking it was my job as a wife to “put out” whenever he wanted it. It was an inconvenient task that I sometimes loved and sometimes hated. To my husband, sex isn’t sex. Chris truly explained that each time we got intimate, it was a deep connection to him. He told me what he thinks about and the emotions that run through his head. He could explain, in detail, what each touch meant to him. Each kiss, every brush of the hand, every second spent looking into each other’s eyes had a special meaning. His words showed me that there really is a difference in having sex and making love.
That single letter changed everything and possibly saved our marriage.
Whatever your battles or issues with sex are, my advice to you is to simply talk about it with your partner. There may be an underlying issue that hasn’t been shared yet. Or perhaps the difference between sex and love making are blurred. It’s not doing anyone any good by not talking about it. Take a deep breath and go! Take it from someone who has been on both sides. It’s totally worth it, and my marriage is doing great. Just ask Chris.

You can follow Mrs. America 2018, Mekayla Eppers, on Instagram at MissMekaylaFitness and SpilledMilkClub.

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Dr. Heather Thompson Day is an Associate Professor of Communication, and Editor of Envision Magazine at Andrews University. She is the author of 6 Christian books including Confessions of a Christian Wife, available January 2019. You can follow Heather on Twitter or IG at HeatherThompsonDay.

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11 Responses

    1. You know I share this “secret” with you. All the more reason that I give my time to an amazing organization to educate kids and parents about abuse, how to prevent it and talk about it.
      It’s been long enough for me now (I’m a couple years older than you) that I rarely have the reactions. But there are smells, sights, and even weather that have affected me in this way. Us survivors must share as we do in order to show…there is hope. 😘

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