I Changed My Mind About My Pregnancy

woman pregnancy decision

I tried to get pregnant last month. And by try, I mean… I very half heartedly attempted to get pregnant. I would describe my activity as “not avoiding it.” I found myself reading a lot about discharge… which was incredibly sexy. I will never look at egg whites the same. And then every time I felt a cramp or pull within 24 inches of where I think my ovaries might be I was certain eggs were just falling out and it was go time. Tightening in my hamstring? Let’s get some sperm in there just in case.

 

I was nauseous for 30 minutes last Tuesday and practically had this next child’s first and middle names finalized by the time it subsided. I had even come to terms with the fact that it wouldn’t fall under the ideal astrological sign. In hindsight, I think I ate some bad Pastrami.

 

For 11-ish days I thought there was a chance that I could possibly be pregnant. And as soon as I thought I might be, I went full panic and was certain I had made an incredible mistake.

 

Babies blow up your life, in the best and the worst ways.

 

I’m a realist. I can’t envision a pregnancy without 365 nights of broken sleep flashing before my eyes, bleeding nipples, and cries that nothing can soothe. Blood soaked pads and broken hair.

 

Will this next baby be the answer to my prayers and dreams and then some? Yes. But she’ll also be my undoing. I’ve learned that neither putting yourself first or last when it comes to motherhood will do; you walk a tight rope between selfish and self-care.

 

She’ll mean regaining the weight I never thought I’d lose. A mushy stomach and extra skin. I don’t pretend to marvel or enjoy the total destruction of my body. Worth it – yep. Welcome it – nope. And I have only just now put a comfortable distance between me and the newborn carseat, I get phantom pain in the crook of my arm and shudder when I see it in the basement. I’ve broken free from the chains of a diaper bag, just long enough to know what the tease of freedom feels like. I was getting used to leaving the house with only 37 packages of graham crackers for my toddler.

 

She’ll be a long pause; a distraction from the dental work I was supposed to get done a year and a half ago, and the masters degree that I’ll probably never finish. The dreams that will be perpetually put on hold, the necessities that will fall in importance.

 

She’ll be worth it, but for 11 days I thought about the price this family will pay. The perfect schedule that will be blown up, the distance a baby puts between a man and his wife, the reallocation of responsibilities and the shortage of energy to meet needs.

 

She’ll be ceaseless joy and boundless love, and a confirmation that when you build a family, you dismantle your life. If only for a little while.

 

So I’m going to enjoy more red wine than usual, stay up later than I should, and savor this part of my life, before I step into the next month… with an ovulation kit and fertility predictor app on my phone.

 

Scarlett is a stay at home-ish mom, bartender, and wife. You can follow her on Instagram.

 

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26 Responses

  1. Marvel in it all Scarlett Longstreet you deserve it!!! Number 2 brings on new adventures no one can prepare you for (not even your first). But I should add, it’s the most beautiful and fulfilling adventure we have been on yet. Praying for you mama and the growth of your family. It’s so so trying, but rewarding! Oh, and the love of you hold for your second born… just wait. If you thought it couldn’t grow, it grows… times a million (for both). Xoxo

    1. Thank you Olivia! I used a very specific pronoun choice throughout so I’m hoping sisters are in my future too haha kind of willing it into existence🤞 but I’ll welcome whatever. I love watching your family grow and so appreciate hearing about your experience 😊❤️

    2. Scarlett Longstreet I won’t lie… I was PETRIFIED of two girls. Like in tears scared of two girls. Now I wouldnt change it for the world, it’s been so fun and will only get better!!! Hoping for “sisters” for you both!! 😉

  2. Love this! Except I’m the one who thinks Indie needs a sister like yesterday, and Brandon has some dumb “6 month plan” . I’m pretty sure he knows my ovulation schedule better than me. That doesn’t stop me though every month when my period is 10 minutes late from thinking up cute pregnancy reveals, and already swearing “this baby will NOT have a pacifier” (just like I did last time ‍♀️). Good luck to you next month though!!

    1. I’ve ran through some pretty elaborate reveals in my head too (nice to know I’m not alone) 🎉 I’ve never tracked my ovulation before, I could use your and Brandon’s expertise haha all hands on deck. I’ll let you know how October turns out 🤞💛 and hoping his 6 months turns into tomorrow 💃

  3. The sec baby is easier for a few reasons. U already been through it. Your experienced. Yur first baby girl will have 9 months to get bigger and help mommy. And the closer in age the better as they both will hang out some eventually at least while young lol. Theres the problem of now i need more hands and jealousy and thats about a 2 month or so fight and the u dont love me attitudes. But later older siblings help read and teach sec 1. So what if yur schedule changes-and a few nights no sleep. Ok ok its a pain but it dont last forever and you have to be there anyway s for tbe first child. May as well have the sec now or soon 🙂

  4. Pss i had 3 kids last two 13 months apart. My oldest 5. I was chasing a walking toddler and holding a new born while tryn to fig out how to get a part time kindergarden to school or girl scouts. And we had no face book.

  5. Both times I miscarried in 2016, I thought to myself (before I realized I was miscarrying), “Holy crap what did I just do???” I became terrified of the idea of being a mother of two and consumed with enormous guilt because I literally hang the moon to my first born. This pregnancy, I’ve felt a sense of peace I’ve never experienced before. Looking at the bigger picture, this was always how it was meant to be! The guilt is still there, but I know longer fear the future. I seriously can’t wait to see an announcement for number two . Sending lots of girl dust your way

    1. Thanks for sharing your experience Kayla, it’s so helpful to hear about other’s womens shared experiences. I can relate so much to those feelings. I’m sorry for your loss, and I’m so happy for your future! I’ll take all the girl dust I can get 😉 congratulations on your growing family, I can’t wait to see how it all unfolds 💛

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