Grab the tissues mom because this is not going to be easy. I need you to know what you did impacted my life and I will never be the same.
Deep sigh…. Okay I am ready.
I didn’t always have a mom on Mother’s Day. And that did effect me.
You made me second-guess the type of woman I was supposed to be. When times get hard, am I supposed to run? Do the problems really just go away as they fade in the rear-view mirror? Does a fresh start exist when you are an adult with responsibilities? Husband, family, house, bills…. Was it that easy just to leave it all behind? Was I not good enough? Why didn’t you want us any more?
I struggled with these thoughts for years, and then as I got older, I recognized for the first time that I wasn’t the only one rehashing old scenarios. You were struggling to carry the past into your future too.
I get it; life is unfair and it can feel like God is punishing you. You have made decisions in your life that you would give anything to go back to fix. I know those mistakes haunt you every day and how there is no hiding from the pain. The days you can’t even look in the mirror are the longest because you are so fed up with the person staring back. You continually put yourself through hell remembering that you not only hurt yourself, but everyone you love, too.
Like I said, I need you to know what you did really did impact my life. I will never be the same. Most importantly I need you to know that I forgive you.
Now it’s time for you to forgive you.
Mom, the hand you were dealt in life was not of your choosing. I couldn’t imagine waking up in a new city every day with only the clothes on your back. How could you know what a stable life was supposed to look like when consistency was nonexistent? Not to mention, no one taught you that love wasn’t supposed to hurt. The people you trusted most always ended up hurting you most. No wonder you have a hard time loving yourself. I know you were searching for something better but you didn’t know what better looked like.
It’s time to stop punishing yourself.
I want you to know that it doesn’t matter who you used to be. That person is gone now and all that matters is who you decide to be, today. Yes, you made mistakes but you are not your past. Your past does not define you and you have become a much better person since those mishaps. Look at all that you have accomplished since then. You picked yourself up from rock bottom and got back on the horse; not because your life depended on it but because you knew we are worth it. You are totally 100% worthy of finding true happiness and you deserve to forgive yourself.
I promise you, Mom, your wounds will heal if you stop scraping them back open.
I pray that someday you can see yourself through my eyes. I see such a strong and loving person who lives life selflessly. I have witnessed you take beatings to stand up for those you love. I see you work day and night to make sure the ones counting on you are safe. I’ve seen you take the high road when the other person deserves the absolute worst. I see a beautiful soul who wants nothing more than to find true happiness. It’s not about money or belongings; your happiness is a life full of laughter and adventure. No more guilt, no more pain.
Mom, you will never know how much you have impacted my life. Your choices, good and bad, shaped me into the person I am today. Everything I have accomplished is because you never stopped loving me. I know it got hard and it didn’t go as planned. What you see is regret and shame but I see something magical. Your mistakes were a gift to me because I won’t have to make them.
I know what type woman I am supposed to be, Mom, because you are that woman.
You can follow Mrs. Indiana 2017, Mekayla Eppers, on Instagram at MissMekaylaFitness and SpilledMilkClub.
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