Something has been weighing on me for a long time… There’s someone else in my life besides my husband. I get nervous when I see his car and just the sight of him walking towards me makes my heart race. I never thought I’d be in this position – but here I am. I am having an inappropriate relationship with my mailman. And mail lady. Depending on the day, it changes.
I obsessively track packages to see when exactly they’ll arrive. I peak out my window trying to catch a glimpse of him. I pray my husband is out of the house or napping when he makes his delivery.
They tell you, you shouldn’t hide things from your spouse; that the cornerstone of your marriage should be trust, but these experts coined their advice before Amazon prime was a thing. I’m sure it was easier to have full financial disclosure when Bob was taking you to the JC Penneys to do the back to school shopping. But it’s 2017, I’ve got 2 day shipping and I’ve had 1 glass of wine. #HideTagsNotAffairs
Husbands don’t understand that we do need 65 grey t-shirts. And they have zero clue what it’s like to sign on to Facebook these days. Part of being a woman with a social media account is being solicited. Gone are the days when the red notification meant someone wrote on your wall, now it’s an invitation to buy oils, shakes, butter soft leggings, and shampoo. Not to mention skin care products that are going to change your life.
I don’t fault these women, their hustle game is strong, they’re providing for themselves and kudos to them for spotting an easy mark: me. Yes, me. I will buy pretty much anything because 1) I like to buy shit and 2) I have a hard time saying no, especially when it’s helping out a fellow sistah.
And don’t even get me started on GoFundMe accounts. If you put a baby in front of me and tell me their house just burned down or they’re laid up in a hospital bed, show me where to pawn my wedding ring.
Packages come, full of things we need, and some we don’t. And I do my best to intercept them, not out of guilt, but because sometimes a conversation isn’t necessary. He doesn’t need to tell me how many beers he had or where he went for lunch, and I don’t plan on justifying my throw pillows.
So no, I don’t tell my husband everything. I’m an adult, he is not my keeper; I am capable of making decisions regarding our funds without bankrupting us (barely). And I don’t ask for permission. I don’t expect my husband to know when I need a new pair of shoes or to tell me when our kid needs to transition from footed sleepers to footless. I take care of this family too and part of doing that means making a call about how we spend our money. All by myself, with my lady brain.
And that’s not all. Full disclosure has shades of gray, here’s a few other things I hide from my significant other (farts don’t make the list):
- When I think someone is hot. My husband doesn’t need to know whom I find dreamy. We both have eyes and they didn’t cease to work once we slipped rings on our fingers. If for some reason you need to acknowledge that someone is good looking, the only acceptable way to do so is to say, “They’re an attractive individual.” With ZERO inflection in your voice. Facts are facts, but excitement won’t be tolerated.
- Every person I’ve dated. Me personally, well I’m insane. So if you went to coffee with Julie one time when you were 17, it’s best I don’t know about it. Because if Julie happens to be a regular fixture in your life, I’m never going to get over the fact that at one point you thought she was cute enough to buy a latte. Surely Julie is the one that got away. Stressing over people that you went on 3 dates with a decade ago is pointless. Don’t waste each other’s time going through the roster.
- How I slept. The answer is bad and never long enough. Doesn’t matter if I got 12 hours and didn’t get up to pee. I don’t like my husband thinking I’m well rested because then he might start to wonder why our house isn’t cleaner or why I need a nap. My circadian rhythm is none of his business.
- What exactly my best friend and I talk about. Because a) he doesn’t care and b) I don’t want him thinking negatively of the person I spend the second highest amount of time interacting with. My friends deserve to confide in me without fear of someone else knowing what they disclose.
- What I think of his family. His mother? Angel on earth. His father? Wellspring of knowledge. Even if he is venting about them himself, tread lightly. They might be lunatics, but they’re his.
- My Internet history. Which is full of online shopping that oftentimes includes gifts that are meant to be kept secret. And other times include alarming hits like, “how to hide money from your spouse in a divorce.” (Weird stuff comes up when you’re researching for a blog). Things are hardly ever what they appear to be. If my husband was privy to my Internet trail he’d be cutting my credit cards up and hiring a PI.
Keeping the right secrets won’t sink your marriage, it’ll preserve it. It’s important to understand the difference between a lack of communication and unnecessary communication. There’s merit in old school advice, but don’t forget to take the 21st century into account.
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