The first time I saw a girl flirt with my husband I was 11. Technically he wasn’t my husband yet, but he had passed me two notes so I figured it was close enough. He was using the numbers on his calculator to make funny words. She laughed every time he came up with a new one. I didn’t get the joke.

 

I was far from being the prettiest girl in the classroom. My diary pages were filled with his last name, beside my first name, and I wasn’t sure what twist of fate would ever make that legal. My mother told me to just be myself.

 

It’s funny because most of my life I tried to be funny, or popular, or pretty, but I have had to learn what it means to be myself. The other girls kept giggling but I stopped trying to impress him. He noticed. The notes grew more frequent and so did my confidence. In the 6th grade my husband taught me that I shouldn’t have to work hard to make a guy see me. I just had to be comfortable in my own skin.

 

Time has passed and many things have changed. Nearly 20 years have danced between then and now, and yet one thing has been constant; girls keep flirting. In many ways I don’t blame them.

 

I’ve watched him go to pay for our food at restaurants and the pretty girl handing him change giggles. She tilts her head and strands of hair fall in front of her face. He pretends not to notice, but I know he sees her. One time at the salon, the girl doing his trim asked if she could shave her number into his hairline. I watched him squirm with anxiety and awkwardly point to me sitting in the lobby holding our tribe of children. There are days that I am able to step outside of it, and laugh at these encounters. And then there are days that I demand he take off his shirt so that they can see my name tatted across his chest. I have watched girls flirt with my husband and yet I can honestly say that there has never been a day in our relationship that I have worried he would leave. Women may see his sparkling blue eyes, but I have seen his soul.

 

I know him. I know that he orders coleslaw as his side. I know that at least once every three months he will say he is a vegetarian again. I’ve watched him stare into the faces of three children I gave him within moments of them entering the world. I know the pattern that his lips fall when he is embarrassed to have someone compliment him. I know to ignore him when he is angry because thirty minutes later he will come back with I’m sorry. I know that he stops at gumball machines. I know that when he goes on walks by himself it is because he feels spiritually disconnected and is hoping God will find him if he can just remove the obstacles that obstruct his view of heaven. Girls in his past may have called him shy, but I know what has made him timid. I know how to make him feel confident, and I also know which direction his tears will fall as he begs you not to leave. Girls who are smarter, or prettier, or wittier than me, may notice him from time to time, and smile in his direction, but I have never lost sleep over that. I know something that they don’t….him.

 

I hear people talk about how they are looking for love, or peace, or fulfillment. They start jobs only to quit them because it isn’t the “career of their dreams.” I know people who go from bed to bed, looking for the romance that you see in movies. I’ve listened to friends talk about how they can’t feel God anymore and so they quit talking to him. They search for these things like they will be able to catch them if they just keep running. They won’t.

 

You don’t find love. You make it. You don’t find peace, you earn it. You don’t find fulfillment, you create it. These are not things you find, they are things you have to build. Love was never something that just happened to my husband and I, it is something we construct together. It’s a journey. It is the culmination of a life, and experiences, of shortcomings, and bright spots that we have navigated through. It is the feeling we have as we look back over the past 8 years and think about how we’ve climbed this giant mountain hand in hand.  No one stumbles upon happiness. They have to make a decision to pursue it. It’s not texts that pop up instantly, or a lottery draw, it’s handwritten letters that take years to word.  Purpose is always a journey.

 

My husband looks at life this way. As a voyage that you patiently fight through. He believes that sweat and hard work are the only paths toward fulfillment. And so when women flirt with him, I don’t worry. There is only one road that could lead him home.

 

As time keeps passing, I will only grow older, and if youth is beauty, it will escape me. With each wrinkle I gather I have peace. I married a man who doesn’t see lines, but history.

 

And so while girls may flirt with him now and then, he’ll keep pretending not to see them. No momentary thrill could ever replace the gratification he gets from standing at the top of this mountain. He stands there next to me.

 

I know something that she doesn’t…him.

Heather Thompson Day is a Lecturer, and author of 5 Christian books including Life After Edenavailable now.
You can follow Heather on IG at HeatherThompsonDay 

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Dr. Heather Thompson Day is an Associate Professor of Communication, and Editor of Envision Magazine at Andrews University. She is the author of 6 Christian books including Confessions of a Christian Wife, available January 2019. You can follow Heather on Twitter or IG at HeatherThompsonDay.

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50 Responses

  1. Yes!!!! Of course being a newlywed, I still get super jealous when I see another pretty girl flirt with my husband… but he chose me out of all of the women in the world to spend his life with. And I can smile a little because I know as soon as he’s flirted with, he grabs my hand or gives me that heartmelting look that I know nobody else gets.

  2. Andi

    This was beautiful thank you …. I noticed he didn’t flirt back which is comforting … when they do right in front of you over and over again you start to feel invisible and your confidence feels a bit beat down.

    My experience has been that when they respond with flirting to the flirting girl, the heart can only take so much.

    Thankfully after watching someone on repeat for so long I kind of got over it. My hearts on the mend and I’m more interested in my interests than his.

    1. Heather Day

      My husband is an introvert. Flirting with me was hard enough. As I was writing this I was thinking how hard it would be to be married to an extrovert who is more outgoing and friendly when other women flirt. But I am so glad to hear that you are taking care of YOU. Lord knows if he isn’t, you need to.

  3. Mmmhmm. In Vegas a few weeks ago, we were hanging out with another couple, my sister and her boyfriend all night. It was a blast, but the other wife kept flirting with my husband. I ignored it even though I wanted to throat punch her a few times. But what got me the most is her hugging all of us at the end of the night and saying “message me” to him. Hell to the no!

  4. STTAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHPPPP!! One time a girl said to my husband at a wedding when I went to the bathroom, “what type of music do you like? He said, “why do you ask?” She responded, “so I know what song we are going to dance to later.”

  5. Mark

    Flirting can be very subjective. It’s often a case of simply being nice to another person. Not to mention that many of those in the service industry survive on gratuities.

  6. Maybe because I am older, I take the flirt as a compliment. If/when this happens, my husband is polite and then turns to me and asks flirty McFlirt Flirt, “Have you met my wife?” Flirty looks and feels awkward and walks away.

  7. Literally every time we go out. I’ve even had girls who had the audacity to come up to me and tell me “how attractive my husband is”. I just don’t understand the thought process behind it. I could NEVER do that.

  8. I love this, omg.
    A girl at a bar groped Nicks… “front”.. one time as she walked by, with me standing right next to him. He waited until after she had passed to tell me, but she ended up walking by again and I about chest bumped her into a table with full crazy eye. She ended up leaving at least! ‍♀️

  9. Candace

    I am married to an extrovert. At first it was hard to deal with even friends that were girls that he had friendly relationships with. I can always tell the ones that have a thing for him and the ones that don’t. I trust my gut and him and it all works out. I try to make sure and look for red flags on his side and hers and when I see one I am honest with him about what I see. I’m fortunate to have a husband that listens to me and tries to understand where I’m coming from 😊

  10. I see this happen literally All. The. Time. My favorite was when we were having dinner with our 7 year old son and there was a wait. My husband walked up to the bar for two grown up drinks and a root beer. A group of women having a ladies night started chatting him up. I was watching the whole time, surprised that these chicks didn’t notice what he was ordering. He turned around, pointed to me, and I waved and smiled back. One of the women popped up from the back and yelled “See!!!??! I told you he had to be married!” He came back to us, three drinks in tow and said, “I still got it!”

  11. I see it happen, but he is usually oblivious, or appears to be and I try not to be too jealous, because as your last line said, “I know him” and he loves me, and is not turned by others.

  12. Sonya

    This was a nice piece. Women who flirt with my husband do not bother me. When he smiles and is feeling “like he still got it” It feels good. I know the feeling because I get flirted with as well, and as long as no one flirts back …it’s harmless.

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